Travel

Lydia and I are traveling in June. We have already been to the beach and mom's house and we are heading to Richmond tomorrow and then back to mom's the following week. Most of this travel matches Tom's business trips. Mothering is the hardest thing I have ever done and I couldn't possibly do it without the nightly relief Tom gives me so when he is out of town I want to be out of town.

While I was giving Lydia a suppository (she hadn't poohed in two days) I could hear myself shouting in my head "I don't want to be a mom anymore!" I know this may sound awful to some but it is extremely hard. I was causing pain to my child (I know it was for her good) she was screaming and I just burst into tears. It was a telling event for me. I felt awful for wanting to run away from the responsibility of being a mom. It can be all consuming and crushing.

I was out to dinner with a dear friend while my mom watched Lydia for me and I realized that there is not a switch to turn mothering off. I couldn't help but wonder if she was okay.

I was speaking to another new mom who thanked me for being honest about these emotions. She was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated as well. Isn't it funny how good you feel when you realize you are not the only one?

We will be moving in August and I am so very excited to move to Asheville. We have decided to find fun classes for each of us. I want to look into pottery, karate, and photography and Tom may look into guitar lessons. It seems essential to have "me" time. I wonder what mothers did in the old west or biblical times...did they have "me" time? Did they worry about such things or was just surviving more important?

Before anyone reports me, I want to be clear, I love my daughter. She is the brightest point in my life and everyday I thank God for His many blessings!